I cry a lot. On the morning drive to work (when I was a student, on the drive to school). At work. When I get home from work. Before sleep (my personal favorite).
There was one class in law school where a professor’s introductory question was, “What’s wrong with you?” My answer was that, “I’m a crybaby.” The professor asked, “What do you cry about?” If I said, “Um… I really don’t know,” I know people will laugh or look at me like I’m some weirdo, a freak, so I just said, “Family problems.” That kind of shit.
I always thought that there might be something wrong with me. A perfect day passes by but when I go to bed, there’s this sudden impulse to just shed tears, sigh heavily, even gasp for air sometimes. There could be nothing wrong that happens throughout the day, in fact, it could be a great day! But then, sometimes, there is this unbearable urge to just… break down.
There were nights that I just came home from an awesome party, but before I lose consciousness to sleep, you guessed it. I cried. I know what tears of joy feel like and those definitely were not tears of joy.
If crying is a bad thing, then why do I feel better after?
I could experience no loss in my life, no bad event, and I will still be able to make myself cry. It is an overwhelming ability. Am I neurotic? Am I the cover girl for Green Day’s Basket Case?
After these crying spells, I always have a couple of questions for myself. What’s the matter with me? Why am I so ungrateful for all the good things in my life? Why did I cry for no reason? Why do I do this to myself? Is there something wrong with me? Am I mental? Is it PMS? It can’t be because my period just ended. Then why the fuck am I crying?
I don’t know, or maybe it’s because…
Crying makes me feel alive. I feed off of it.
I cry to feel alive in a world that is desperate to kill me.
When I cry, I’ve made it a point to repeat that like a mantra.
I am in the process of teaching myself to stop thinking that there’s an underlying problem for why I sometimes cry for no reason, at any given time, at any given place. My crying spells don’t pick a time and a place. My tears will fall and my throat will tighten when they want to. It’s happened before and I’m sure it’s not going to just stop happening.
Before discovering this approach to my crying “problem,” I always felt afraid, scared that there’s something wrong with me, something wrong with my hormones, or that I might have a mental disorder (in which case, of course, there’s nothing wrong with that).
But now, what I think is really terrifying is when I lose the ability to cry. Maybe because that’s when I know I’m numb, or dead inside, or well… dead.